


A Trophy Father's Trophy Son

by Kylo Hux (Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson)



Series: I'm Sorry I Can't Be Perfect [7]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Bad Parent Han Solo, Complete, Force Nightmares, Heavy Angst, Mild Child Grooming, Other, Parents Arguing, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Scared Parent Han Solo, Young Ben, Young Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-28 19:24:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6341989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson/pseuds/Kylo%20Hux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Force doesn't exist. It never has, Han Solo's life is controlled by <em>him</em>, not his wife, not his child, not some mystical thing that no one can see. Even if it doesn't control his life, there's no way The Force could control his son's... could it?</p><p> <em>The fic in which the premises is that Han’s refusal to believe in the Force caused friction between him and his son – and which pushes his son a little closer to Snoke each time he rejects his Force.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, I wrote three headcanons on Tumblr that slaughter me everytime they pop up in my notes, (post can be found _**[here](https://t.co/oK9JhGCWj3)**_ ) and so I decided to write it bc I love playing around with Ben's childhood.

Han stood opposite Ben on a long walkway, suspending them above what seemed like a long fall. Ben couldn’t turn his head to look to the side. His gaze was fixed to his Daddy’s eyes, full of pain. Of guilt. Fright.  
  
Ben tried to reach out and wrap his hand around his Daddy’s shoulder. He tried to reach out and wrap his arms around his Daddy’s chest. He tried to reach out and pull his Daddy into him, but he was stuck. His body wouldn’t move.  
  
_... Leave here with me, come home. We miss you._  
  
_I’m being torn apart. I wanna be free of this pain. I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?_  
  
_Yes, anything._  
  
Ben’s head tilted to the floor, and he watched the mask he had been holding drop to the floor with a large clang. As the big hands that were too big to be Ben’s picked up the lightsaber hilt, Ben started screaming out, although the body he inhabited didn’t make a noise.  
  
The familiar sense of doom echoing around his heart made Ben fight, he kicked out, he screamed, he tried to stop the large body as it held the lightsaber out.  
  
But then his Daddy was holding onto it. Ben felt his grip tighten, and they struggled with the lightsaber.  
  
And then there was that horrendous sound and the red light sparked up, illuminating Ben in the dark that was getting darker, and the blade was through his Daddy’s chest.  
  
_Thank you_.  
  
The lightsaber powered down and Ben watched his Daddy fall to the side, down into the smoke filled abyss that they were suspended over.

-xox-

Ben jerked upright in his sleep, fringe stuck to his forehead. His throat jammed, he couldn’t move. The face was there, floating at the end of his bed, whispering his name, whispering to him, calling to him. He shook his head and threw himself back on his bed, burying his head under his pillow. Sobs racked his small body and his high pitched scream flew from his throat.  
  
“MOMMY!”  
  
Ben sobbed into the fabric of his pillow, kicking out at the weight of someone sitting on the bed with him. He screamed as an invisible hand stroked down his spine, trying to sooth the boy as he kicked and thrashed about.  
  
_Relax, Ben, I mean you no harm_.  
  
“MOMMY! MOMMA! MOMMY, _PLEASE_!”  
  
_She’s not coming, Ben, you know your Father won’t let her_.  
  
“MOMMY! DADDY!”  
  
Ben screamed out again, coughing hard as his throat went hoarse, tripping his words up. He had to force himself to sit upright, fumbling for the tumbler of water that sat on his bedside table. His hands shook as he took a drink, gulping down the water before he closed his eyes.  
  
The scarred face appeared behind his eyelids again and Ben screamed, lashing out. He dropped the tumbler of water into his lap, soaking his pajamas and his bedding, and the six-year-old burst into a fresh bout of tears.  
  
He stumbled out of bed and ran to the door, tugging it open and rushing down the hallway to where the door to his parents’ bedroom was.  
  
“You’re not going, Leia, he doesn’t need you.”  
  
Ben paused, his hand extended up to the door handle.  
  
“He’s just attention seeking, Leia, let him be. He needs to grow out of it.”  
  
“Force Nightmares aren’t attention seeking, Han.”  
  
“The Force doesn’t _exist_ , Leia, there’s nothing to be causing him these nightmares. He’s just playing on it so he doesn’t have to go to bed. If you ignore him, he’s going to grow out of it.”  
  
“And if he’s actually had a nightmare?”  
  
“Then maybe he’ll stop screaming every time he doesn’t.”  
  
Ben shivered in the hallway, staring at the door. He felt his lip wobbling and he wanted to run into the room and throw himself on the bed with his parents... but his Daddy didn’t think he was having a nightmare.  
  
The small boy closed his eyes, only to open them with a scream when the memory of his Daddy’s body falling to the side echoed around his head.  
  
Almost immediately, the door was wrenched open, and Leia dropped to her knees. Ben threw his arms around her neck, sobbing into the shoulder of her nightgown, shaking in her arms.  
  
“Shh, shh, baby boy, it’s okay. Mommy’s here now.”  
  
“It’s happening again! The scary face, the bad dreams! Mommy, make them stop!”  
  
“Go back to bed, Ben.”  
  
Leia turned a little, and Ben watched the look his Mommy gave to the man sitting up in bed, obviously annoyed. His face got angry when he realized Ben’s pajamas were wet.  
  
“Did you wet yourself again?”  
  
“No! I d-dropped my water...”  
  
“ _Han_ , leave him alone.”  
  
Leia hoisted Ben up into her arms, holding him tightly as she carried him back down the hallway to his room. He quivered in her arms, clinging to her as tightly as he could.  
  
“Don’t make me go in there! Snoke’s in there!”  
  
“He’s not in there, baby, I promise.”  
  
The door open and Ben hid in Leia’s neck, only for her to chuckle. He opened an eye and peered around his room, relaxing when he saw that it was empty of anything remotely resembling Snoke.  
  
Leia set him down on the bed, opening Ben’s drawers and tugging some dry pajamas out. She helped him change into them and then he whined when she tugged him to his feet to change his bedding.  
  
“What happened in your dream, sweetie?”  
  
“There was a bad man, I was watching it as though I were the bad man, but the bad man hurt Daddy badly.”  
  
“How did he hurt Daddy, sweetheart?”  
  
“There was a hilt and it sparked all red and it crackled and it went through Daddy’s chest, and then he fell to the side into a really big hole.”  
  
Leia’s hands slowed as she gently put new sheets on the bed, and she glanced to the side, watching her son. “I’m sure it was just a really bad nightmare, sweetness.” She lay down on the fresh bed and reached her arms out.  
  
Ben glanced around his room nervously before he clambered into bed and into his Mommy’s arms. He snuggled close to her as the light flicked off, breathing in the smell of her.  
  
Ben lay there for a long time, staring at the moon that could be seen through the gap in his curtains, running his Daddy’s words around his head.  
  
_The Force isn’t real. He’s just attention seeking. He’s just playing on it_.  
  
Tears welled up in Ben’s eyes and he buried his face back in his Mother’s chest.  
  
Sleep didn’t come easy, but when it did, it was, thankfully, dreamless.


	2. "Look What I Can Do, Daddy!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Don’t imagine young!Ben being really proud about something he learnt to do with the Force, so he goes to show his Daddy, but Han shuts him down before Ben can even raise his hands to do it again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Italics are Snoke speaking in Kylo's head._
> 
> _Underlined italics are Kylo silently replying to Snoke._

Ben focused hard on the cup in front of him, his hands outstretched. He felt the Force snapping and stretching around him, wrapping around his hands and then flying forward. Ben took deep breaths wrapping the invisible hands around the cup in front of him. He struggled to keep hold of it, arms shaking almost immediately.  
  
Ben grit his teeth, taking harsh, racking breaths as he tried to keep hold of the cup, only for it to shatter. Ben immediately flipped his contact with the Force, making it shield his face as the porcelain flew around the room. He watched the shards hit against the invisible sheet in front of him, pattering down to the floor.  
  
_Again_.  
  
_It hurts! I’ve had enough; I can’t hold it right now.  
  
**Again.**_  
  
Ben sighed heavily and rubbed his eyes hard before he focussed on the next cup in line. He focussed heavily, reaching out to focus on the plastic tumbler. The Force wrapped around his hands and then shot out. The tumbler shook under the pressure of invisible hands wrapping around it from all directions, some stronger than others, and it started tipping.  
  
Ben focussed, his breath coming out in aggravated hisses through gritted teeth, and slowly, he lifted his hands.  
  
The tumbler followed his hands, shaking and quivering in the air a little bit, but floating two feet off the table either way. Ben laughed, slowly standing up. The tumbler floated along with him.   
  
Quickly, Ben rushed through his open door, through to the living room where his parents were.   
  
“Mommy! Daddy!”  
  
Neither Leia nor Han looked up at first, but the moment they did, Ben felt something clip around the back of his head. Immediately, his hands recoiled and he cried out in pain, rubbing the back of his head.   
  
The sound of the tumbler clattering to the floor echoed around Ben’s hearing and he looked tearfully up at his Daddy. Han was stood a little way away, his breathing heavy and eyes wide.  
  
Leia hadn’t moved from where she had been sat, just staring at her son in disbelief. Ben ran to her side, wrapping his arms around Leia’s legs and sobbing into her knees. Slowly – much more slowly than Ben would have liked – she picked him up, rocking him gently to and fro, shushing him as she did.  
  
“It’s alright, Ben, Daddy won’t do that again.”  
  
“He was doing it, Leia, you know it as well as I do.”  
  
“Maybe, what he needs it some _support_ from his _Father_!”  
  
Ben shifted in his Mommy’s arms. “Snoke says it’s okay if Daddy doesn’t like Force things because he is there to teach me!”  
  
Ben saw the glance his Mommy and Daddy shared, only for Leia to stand sharply, holding Ben tightly. “Let’s go and play, shall we, baby boy?”  
  
Ben clung to his Mommy, watching his Daddy over her shoulder as Leia walked them out of the room, through to Ben’s room.   
  
The droids had already cleared up the broken porcelain.

-xox-

“Are you leaving soon?”  
  
“Three days.”  
  
Ben picked at the food on his plate, wrinkling his nose at the different leafs and greenery. Putting his fork down, the seven-year-old leaned forward to pick up his bantha-milk, drinking some of it down.  
  
“Han, that’s so soon.”  
  
“Well, I have trading to do, stock prices don’t wait.”  
  
“It’s Ben’s birthday soon.”  
  
“I’ll send a hologram.”  
  
Ben frowned at his Daddy before turning his attention back to his food.  
  
_Try to impress him. Maybe he won’t leave.  
  
Snoke, you know Daddy doesn’t like it when I use the Force_. _  
  
__It doesn’t hurt to try_.  
  
Ben hesitated before clearing his throat. “I learned how to make big things float today!”  
  
“That’s nice, Ben. Han, you can’t do this again! It’s the third year in a row.”  
  
“I have to! I can’t help it when I get a contract which, by the way, helps pay for Ben and the place we live in.”  
  
“Daddy! Look at me! I can make the chairs float!”  
  
“Not right now, Ben; Leia, look, I’m sorry I have to go and do this right now but I’ve put off going for as long as I can so I can be here for you and Ben.”  
  
“All you seem to do is run away so you don’t have to be here for Ben. You’re taking his Father figure away from him!”  
  
“Snoke says-”  
  
“Ben,” Han sent his son a withering glare. “What have we told you about Snoke? You’re too old for imaginary friends, you need to go out and make some _real_ friends.”  
  
“But Snoke is a real person-”  
  
“-No he is not, now eat your dinner.”  
  
Ben looked up at his Mommy who had gone silent, tight-lipped, picking at her food.   
  
“Mommy said-”  
  
“-Eat your dinner up, Ben, do what your Daddy says now.”  
  
Ben pouted and picked at the green on his plate again.  
  
“I don’t want to go, Leia.”  
  
“Yes you do, you can’t wait to leave. You cannot wait to get on that damn ship with that damn Wookie and get out of here. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some young dame – or lad – on that ship with you.”  
  
“You think I’m cheating now?”  
  
“It’s a possibility, why would you focus on that? Are you cheating?”  
  
Ben covered his ears and closed his eyes.  
  
“No, I’m not cheating on anyone!”  
  
“On _anyone_? Don’t you mean, on _me_?”  
  
Ben whimpered and shut his eyes before he stood up, sharply. His chair banged on the floor and both his parents looked at him with a raised eye.  
  
“Look at me! I learnt to do something today! Daddy, you said to always show you what I learnt!”  
  
Han blinked a little, but he leant back in his chair, smiling softly. “Alright Ben, sorry sweetheart. Go ahead and show me.”  
  
Ben smiled up at his Daddy before he slowly reached his hands out, focusing on the empty chair next to him.   
  
Slowly, it began to shake, before it quickly lifted up into the air.  
  
“BEN!”  
  
The boy jumped and the chair clattered back to the ground. He looked up with wide eyes, scared by the sound of his Daddy’s voice so loud.  
  
“Don’t you _ever_ do that again.”  
  
“But Daddy-”  
  
“-No buts! Go to your room.”  
  
“No!”  
  
Leia stood immediately and Ben rushed over to cling to her side. She leant down to pick him up, glaring at Han as she walked him out the room.  
  
“Mommy, did I do something wrong?”  
  
“Not at all, baby boy; just stop showing Daddy the Force. It makes him nervous.”  
  
Leia set him down in his room, and Ben watched her go before he sat down on the warm bantha-fur rug that sat in the middle of his floor.  
  
With a determined head nod; pushing his Daddy’s words to the back of his mind, Ben settled on watching his bed, slowly raising his hands out.


	3. "You're Too Old for Imaginary Friends"

Blood dripped from Ben’s hands and he gasped out, reaching out. He could see his Uncle, not too far away and he tried to move towards him. Ben felt sick as his Uncle jerked back, a look of horror on his face. There was a heavy fear inside of Ben; sitting in the 14 year old’s gut, weighing him down.  
  
Guilt was festering deep inside of his gut, further down than the fear, and there was a large darkness even deeper down, growing upwards, taking him over from the inside out.  
  
_Uncle Luke! Help me! Please, help me!_  
  
_Monster!_  
  
Ben choked on his sobs and tried to take a step forward, but something held his foot down, stopping him from moving. Looking down, a scream was wrenched from his throat; a child was staring up at him with dead eyes, blood splattered over their white face, too white to be alive. Her hands clung to his leg, fingers digging into his leg. Ben cried out as they pierced into his leg, tugging down, making long claw marks through his skin, ripping the ribbed, black boots he was wearing.  
  
Slowly, she started dragging him down through the mass of clothes that surrounded him – Ben screamed again as they all started moving, more and more faces peering up at him, more and more hands clutching to him, dragging him deeper into the pit of black below him.  
  
Desperately, Ben sobbed and reached out for his Uncle Luke, screaming for help... but then it was gone and Ben was surrounded by the darkness.  
  
He looked around, moving desperately, trying to perhaps swim for the surface, but then there was a grey, twisted face above him and Ben screamed again, only to find that no sound escaped his lips.

-xox-

Ben shot upright with a strangled yell, kicking out still before he realised he was in his room, back home on Corellia. His eyes darted around the room, taking in his surroundings, reassuring himself.  
  
There were no dead bodies that were clawing at him, there were no cuts in his legs, and there was no grey, twisted face looming over him. Slowly, he turned to the side, letting his legs drop over the side of his bed. He stared at his feet on the ground, wriggling his toes in the fluffy carpet that he’d had since he could remember.  
  
Leaning forward, his elbows dug into his thighs and he buried his face in his hands, taking slow breaths.  
  
Calm his heart beat down, take deep breaths, and get a drink.  
  
His old routine for relaxing when he woke up screaming for his Mother sprung to his mind and, slowly, the teenager got up. He dressed in his Jedi robes, remembering that his Father would be dropping him off at the Temple later that day – his week break was over, and it was almost straight back to training.  
  
Ben headed downstairs quickly, making sure his lightsaber was strapped to his waist as he headed into the kitchen. His Mother looked up with a weak smile.  
  
“Good sleep?”  
  
Ben shrugged and made himself some juice, sipping at it before clearing his throat. “Bit of both, really.”  
  
His Mother’s arms wrapped around him, and she leaned up to press a kiss to his cheek. Already, he was taller than her, 5’5 and still growing. He smiled over his shoulder at her, having to gently flick his braid over his shoulder so it dangled down his back. It tickled his neck otherwise, bugging him beyond belief.  
  
“Is Dad dropping me off?”  
  
“Yes he is, sweetheart; the Resistance got some more information on something we’ve been seeking.” Her arms squeezed Ben’s waist once more. “I have to spend time keeping you and the rest of the galaxy safe.”  
  
Ben nodded and stared into his juice before back at her. “Mom, didn’t you once say... that the First Order’s leader’s face was disfigured? Twisted, grey?”  
  
“I did, why?”  
  
Ben licked his lips a little and then sniffed, finishing off the rest of his juice. “No reason.” He grabbed the bag he had brought with him from the Temple and leaned down to press a kiss to his Mother’s cheek.  
  
“I love you, Ben. I know that... things have been hard for you, especially with your Father and I-”  
  
“I’d love to talk about this, but you know Dad hates it when I’m late. He’ll be landing in about twenty minutes.” He kissed her forehead this time, smiling weakly. “I’ll be okay, Mom. I’ll be home next break; count on it.”  
  
She smiled and nodded, pressing a kiss to his cheek. The 14 year old smiled and waved, rushing out the front door, trying to ignore the impending feeling of doom in his stomach.

-xox-

Sure enough, Han was already on the landing track, talking to one of the Resistance pilots – he’d just graduated from the Academy from an early age, barely 18. Ben knew him, might have called him a friend before he was sent away; but when he came back the first time, Poe wanted nothing to do with him.  
  
Ben snorted. Who would? He was a freak.  
  
“Dad.”  
  
Han turned around to smile at Ben before he nodded farewell to Poe, shaking his hand.  
  
“Well done, Dameron; I’m sure everyone’s proud. You deserve it.”  
  
Ben looked away, trying to stop the jealously curling in his stomach.  
  
_He sees Dameron as more of a son he does you; he praises him, congratulates him  
  
Shut up._  
  
Ben shoved the voice away and climbed into the Falcon when Han motioned him too, heading through to the cockpit. His hands ran over the all too familiar metal, the chairs, and gently brushed over the controls before he dropped into the co-pilot’s seat, looking back at his Father.  
  
“How was your week off?”  
  
“It was good; felt good to come back and see Mom.”  
  
“I’m sorry I couldn’t come visit I had-”  
  
“-Business. You need the business to give Mom and Luke money so they can look after me. Business can’t be helped.”  
  
_He’s always on business when you visit, but, strangely enough, not when you’re at the Temple._  
  
__I said **shut up**.

“You alright there, buddy?”  
  
Ben looked up at his Dad, chewing on his inner cheek. He said nothing as they started powering everything up, and Ben started checking pre-flight commands before leaning back and putting his seat belt on. Han copied him and smiled at Ben.  
  
“You wanna press the button?”  
  
Ben looked at him with a smile before he reached forward. “Systems go.”  
  
Ben was pressed back into his seat as G-Force started its job, eyes wide as usual when the stars became blurs and the ship sped through space. Han reached over to grip onto Ben’s hand and Ben squeezed it back, staring out the window in front of him.  
  
“Dad?”  
  
“Yes, son?”  
  
Ben sniffed a little, finally letting go of his Father’s hand as the ship slowed from hyper speed. “Has Mom ever spoken to you about Resistance business?”  
  
“What business do you mean?”  
  
“Their leader.”  
  
He looked over at his Father, who squirmed a little at the name, before he shook his heads. “The leader of the First Order? Afraid not son, why?”  
  
Ben jogged his leg up and down, leaning back in his chair.  
  
“Dad I... I think he’s been talking to me.”  
  
“Ben, listen-”  
  
“-No! All I do is listen to you! Listen to you tell me that everything I’m going through is some big farce so for once, can’t you listen to _me_? I’m scared, Dad, I’m _terrified_. I keep having these nightmares where someone – I, I think it’s me – kills _you_ and there’s this voice that tells me it’s a good thing that I did it and I have nightmares about hurting my classmates really, really badly I mean... I mean I dream about killing them and this voice, his name is Snoke, Dad, he keeps telling me I have to do it, I have to do it or things are going to go wrong and I’m so scared because I know I’m _capable_ of doing it, I’m able to hurt them like that and I just...”  
  
Ben broke down, tears falling down his face, gasping for air as he struggled to comprehend all the thoughts in his head. There was a sharp pain in his head, a stabbing pain and Ben wrapped his hands in his hair, tugging at his scalp.  
  
_How **dare** you speak of me to him._  
  
“Ben...” Han’s hand rubbed up and down his son’s back, clearly out of his depth. “Ben sweetheart, we’ve told you before, you need to start listening to us. Snoke is _not real_. You’re too old for imaginary friends, you need to stop clinging to this Snoke figure so much, especially if you’re having thoughts like this.”  
  
“D-Dad no you don’t understand-”  
  
“- _Ben_. Don’t argue with me.”  
  
Ben shook and leant back in his chair, slumping.  “Sorry.”  
  
Silence filled the cockpit for an hour before Han eventually reached over and patted Ben’s leg. “You looking forward to turn 15?”  
  
“Not really.”  
  
Han frowned a little. “Cheer up, son; you’ll be home again soon to see us, and, hell, I promise to make an effort to be there this time.”  
  
“You always promise.”  
  
Han frowned deeper before eventually focusing on the flight path.

-xox-

Han and Leia clung to each other’s hands as they walked through the Temple. Their eyes were wide, staring at the mass of destruction, the blood... the _death_.  
  
Leia was crying silently, her hand dropping from Han’s hand, to grip into his shirt as she gasped down air.  
  
“I couldn’t do anything. He was too far gone.”  
  
Han wrapped his arms numbly around Leia as they stared at the Younglings surrounding them.  
  
“Where is he? Where’s Ben?”  
  
Luke’s mouth opened a little but no sound came out. Han stepped forward, letting go of Leia.  
  
His eyes fell on a small girl, barely a teenager; her face was frozen in horror, arm outstretched to the side. A training lightsaber lay just inches from her fingers – her last line of defence.  
  
“Ben didn’t die here.” Han turned around, the guilt hitting him like a wall.  
  
_I dream about killing them and this voice, his name is Snoke, Dad, he keeps telling me I have to do it..._  
  
“Snoke made Ben do this.”  
  
Luke looked away. “Snoke’s hold on Ben was too strong for me to break; I tried my best...”  
  
Luke’s voice faded away as Han took a few more steps forward, leaning down to pick up a small bracelet from the ground. It was black string, tied in a plait with purple and red thread and he slowly stood up.  
  
“Ben... wherever you are...” Tears started welling in Han’s eyes, slowly tracking down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Thanks for sticking through this, rather depressing, read. Hope you enjoyed it, ~~sorry for the pain~~_


End file.
